There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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