Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
His nipple licking is glorious
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