Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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