You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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