Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
