watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
