apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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