He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
