dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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