Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
