not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
