Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
