I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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