90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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