i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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