Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
