i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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