I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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