id be glad to
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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