puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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