I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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