It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
