So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
