Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
and she was petting her beer can
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
