"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
