I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
