Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
