So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
