It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
