Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
