I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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