We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
