hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
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I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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