I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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