i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
