I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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