My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
