I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
