Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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