walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
