Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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