Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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