I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
