He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
