I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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