Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Less talking, more tequila
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
