I'm sorry my penis didn't work
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize