I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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