So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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