I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
