cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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