Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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