Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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