I bet he comes in French.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
