dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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