We're facebook friends in real life
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
