i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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