Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
