Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
