Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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