i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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