I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
