wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
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