no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.